Spiritual Psychosis

Recently I put a post on facebook saying that I was recovering from a bad flu and asked for the care and attention of my friends. The moment I read the first reactions I wanted to erase the post. It was so awkward to express publicly that fragile state. In my understanding these states are lived and overcome behind closed doors, not publicly displayed. My understanding is such bullshit.

Recently I took part at an intense psycho-spiritual retreat by my master Prem Baba. The psychology domain acknowledges that all the states we deem to be aware of or not, the patterns that we act upon are rooted in our childhood. That doesn’t necessarily require a hard-core traumatic experience in that period. The same is valid for people who have been raised by loving parents with a lot of care. A child requests unconditional love at any moment in her way. This desire is so strong and limitless there is no parent who can really provide that 100%. Any moment this love is not provided (which are actually many) is recorded as a trauma. So the child meets emotions like anger and hate while she is teeny-tiny. Once she gets on her feet strategizing about how to get that love starts. Being scolded at by parents and moments of not being loved are causing the child to feel un-worthy; based on a very linear logic the child thinks ‘I am not good enough to be loved as I am; I need to be more strong / beautiful / smart / disciplined’ (and the list goes on and on, with new items added every now and then). Only then they will love me; that ideal is the one who deserves the love of the parents. When she is not fitting that ideal not only is she unworthy of her parents' love but she is not worthy to deserve her self-love. So do we grow up physically but remain a child internally unless we go through some extra-ordinary spiritual awakenings. We continue pursuing this ideal and trying to fix this issue of love with our parents by gathering their replicates into our circle as friends or partners. The same scenarios keep on happening and we chase our own tail with the hope that this time we will make the other person love us.

Some years ago, when I was tired of relationships I got into Irvin Yalom; how he explained the root cause of many relationship patterns according to this model in his work ‘Existential Psychotherapy’. However he also underlined that there is no end to this analysis of childhood traumas; each one of them refers to some fundamental fear deeply enrooted in humanity; therefore an adult eventually has to accept that she is a grown up and own the responsibility of her life. I got the message wrong that time. It is not enough to ‘announce’ our adulthood to take the responsibility of our lives; we also need to stop blaming our family or any other external factor for whatever happened to us and confront ourselves. This confrontation starts with seeing truthfully all of our darkness, anger, hatred, jealousy, envy, guilt, laziness and many other low emotions; accepting with gentleness that they do exist even if we have the nicest smile on our face. If you skip this step of confrontation and follow some spiritual teachings seeking some peace you may have some momentary release but it ends up being a mental masturbation.

I was always interested in this psychological aspects; perceiving everyone around me as a mirror of my light and darkness inside thanks to my dear friend Vivian. Whenever I got triggered by someone I would immediately look inwards, ask myself why I was triggered, which emotions came up. If something ‘bad’ happened the same mind-set kicked in; why did I invite this into my life? Questions any new-age spiritualist should ask herself, right?! However this analysis became so complex my internal balance shifted and some inner voices who really enjoy the suffering of beating myself up became louder. During this period my dear friend and teacher Laura put my pieces back together explaining me that ‘with each piece of awareness a balloon pops up into the surface so that we can just pop it. You however push so many balloons up they start suffocating you’.  Now I can see that the child who worked so hard on revealing those balloons was still chasing her self-made ‘ideal’ and considered every part of me which didn’t live up to that ideal as darkness. So the whole work was just in the surface; first I needed to notice that ideal and remember where it came from. Otherwise, the rest is just mental masturbation as I said earlier.          
                    

Psycho part is covered but which part of this is spiritual then? When all these balloons are up on the surface, when there is a full-combat towards the self-destruction of ego one can only take it up to a certain limit. Ego is our soldier for self-preservation after all; it resists being killed and may put all of our systems into error. Therefore when the load gets too much to carry there is a need for surrendering to a higher will, a cry for help. Some turn towards science or nature; others to a higher consciousness. At this moment any person should choose to wear what suits their complexion best, but shouldn’t go out naked in the cold.

"When the seeker arrives, a healing work begins to address one’s emotional wounds and to purify the heart’s ailments from the past. This work continues until one can be in harmony with one’s past and be liberated from it; until one can look back and truly be thankful for absolutely everything that has happened in one’s life. At this moment, one is ready to be reborn in spirit. In fact, this is when the spiritual journey actually begins. Everything up until this point was merely a psycho-spiritual work of healing and transforming one’s lower nature."

Sri Prem Baba

                                   

Cracking the Heart Open

It is a hard job to crack the heart open. For years my spiritual teachers kept on bugging me ‘You have to work on the heart, work on Anahata; there is no other way’. Yeah yeah… Well I did work on the heart, did my asana practice, my meditation, tried to say ‘I want everything for you, I want nothing from you’ again and again, but it didn’t really sink in. Because I want to be loved, held, protected, supported, adored, spoiled. I want it all. How is this going to work? If I don’t get what I want I turn into a text-book example of spiritual texts on love revealing all the symptoms of a child whose toy has been taken away.

Yoga is an important practice. Some live flooded by emotions, others stuck between narrow walls of the mind.  In between these two one may be so suffocated by the shadow that a bright state of comprehension, a mind-blowing piece of art, the intoxicating smell of jasmine, the simple magic of any blissful moment can pass by unnoticed. There comes yoga to introduce a harmonious flow to the mess, a thorough cleansing of the zilllions of dust particles in the mind. Once peace is restored there opens another door, towards the core of those particles, the pit of the rabbit hole.

So I knocked at that door and the first stop was compassion. I guess we all know by now, every person we encounter acts as a mirror.  Whenever we are triggered by an action or word we need to look at ourselves, ask what in us hurts instead of trying to break the mirror. Only then can the evolution begin. When suffering presents itself there are some standard ways we react. Either avoiding it by any means, being repulsed by it or playing the hero. Masters say responding to suffering with suffering generates pity whereas love leads the way to compassion. And compassion is the only way to transform suffering which we fear so much, trying our very best at all times to stay away from. Well said, but what is compassion really? How do we find it when there is so much envy, fear, anger and frustration lingering in the hearts of us all, no matter how well we manage to hide them behind our masks?

Many words, many ways, many methods and they all find you when it is time. They offer another option to the judging, labelling, discriminating mind; not an easy job. There is space for a lot more reflection and contemplation on compassion.

My second stop was joy. This is a state hidden in the heart, more explosive than happiness, more refined than pleasure. All is well, but joy is not there in my life these days and it troubles me. Until recently I did suffocate myself a little trying to figure out who am I, what am I doing, what will I do with this  ‘I’, trying to see through the subtle layers of my existence. I felt like chasing my own tail. However, life kept flowing. Another beautiful thing about yoga is the practice grants one the ability to still flow and keep the windows open for sunlight even if you are hopping in and out of dark holes. When you fall or rise, it is just an impermanent state which doesn’t really define who you are. Life can be harmoniously progressing in this awareness. Still, joy, or lack of it thereof is an issue. All those meditations and practices didn’t unlock that section of the heart. So Maha Shakti, the nature gave me a slap so that I could let the suffering go. A strong fever burned down all the heaviness in me. The wheel of joy started spinning in my heart while I was just observing what was happening.

Then the ride led me to the ‘butterfly’ stop. The heart not feeling any need to ‘settle’ anywhere cozy and safe but rather dances from one flower to another. Spreading the wings wide open without any fear of being caught. I loved this stop, I want to pass by here again and again feeling, expressing the lightness and beauty of this magical creature . Nice to fly out of the box!

Purifying the Water

There is a beauty to being a wretched spiritual tourist in India. Key parameters being low budget / wide time-span, you visit an ashram, then hop to a healer, maybe a vedic astrologer and each step you take is also a step away from your comfort zone. This distancing is such a trip that even a slight change in the perception of reality makes you believe that you started to understand. Usually as a baby on the path it is a mere adjustment in your delusion you call ‘reality’, ‘personality’ or ‘knowledge’. Well maybe none of the readers of this blog went through such experiences but it sounds like I am writing about something important when I put it like this.

Fire ceremony at Guruji's temple

Hoping to break yet another pattern I let myself experience India in a new way. First I headed off to my second tantric puja. Last year I benefited a lot from the puja on Muladhara/root chakra; it went deep into some fears I have about being in this life. They are not erased after the puja but I feel more free and courageous following this purification. Also a major block against my creativity seems to be resolved. I am blessed in this life with many gifts which do not seem to find their way out of my system. This lack of creative impulse effeced especially projects that are more close to my heart but not so much in line with ‘what needs to be done’ in the institutions of life; such as academia, work, family…There are many reasons to have such a block going beyond the domain of muladhara but the gross force of just starting up and making it work comes from the roots. Right after the puja I found myself manifesting many little projects which I kept on postponing or didn’t even think of before.

Now we are in phase two; purification of the second chakra, Svadistana. Its job is to generate impulses, feelings, and obsessions. According to the yogis water element rules our consciousness as we are made out of and surrounded by mostly water. So, what does it mean to rule consciousness? There is a simple test one can do to understand the concept. If you manage to observe your mind throughout the day, without any intervention, any effort to direct it to a certain thought process, where does it go to naturally? Do you keep thinking about what you have experienced (or not) with your partner, the cool pants you laid your eyes on but couldn’t decide if you want to buy it, the comfi couch and screen waiting for you back home, plans around Saturday night fever, concerns about ‘what the hell am I going to do in this life’, internal dialogues with someone who pissed you off, holiday plans…What are the hotspots of your mind? Are you getting confused between your flooding emotions pulling you in many direction with the long-searched-for ‘inner voice’? Do you feel depressed when you miss the company of a close friend, a good book, a nice concert? The domain of consciousness under svadistana influence is rich; there is a long list. If you manage to purify this domain though you are granted with harmonious emotions and lightness, creativity and imagination as a bonus.

Ritual by the ocean

My puja experience was pretty abundant with lots emotional turbulences before and after. Initially I was really afraid of what kind of purification reactions I may have but it ended up being a very smooth ride. My skin is tick now after suffering under conditions below the least level of comfort at Guruji’s house. We started the puja cycle with a group of 101 westerners, ended up with 60 during this experience resulting from the survival of the fittest. The first stage of the puja process was over very quickly after lots of sadhana (spiritual practice) and nice talks among our slowly bonding group. One train ride en masse after we found ourselves in Puri. This is one of the most holy seven towns in India, located at the eastern shores. So Guruji decided to release our dark waters into the holi ocean of Puri. We experienced many magical rituals by the oceans; so powerful that I had to hop on my seat several times. However the trip turned out to be fully in line with the pleasure-indulgent svadistana consciousness. Puri happens to be a very touristic town as well and our group quickly discovered a restaurant at a fancy hotel during our unusually vast free time. Finally I understood what Indian food is really about. When you go to a regular Indian restaurant you may really enjoy the food but still have to admit that all dishes taste pretty much the same as they use the same mix of spices called masala. However I had a major revelation about the potential of evolution in life after tasting those tanduri cauliflowers melting into my taste buds leaving a bundle of joy behind after each bite. How can such a meaningless vegetable evolve to such levels of delight?

We were all very surprised by the gentleness of the sadhana when we were back at Guruji’s house. Of course there was some drama still among the hygiene-sensitive ones, as well as strong purifications such as heavy skin rashes, flu and all. That is the usual fun. As I walk on the path it is becoming clearer; spiritual work is quite a sado-maso experience.

Life in the Agama Bubble

Recently caught my ego requesting that ‘I should write something worthy to be read’, so I decided to take a break. I always had this graphomania; this urge to tickle the curiosity to read/write something private that many of us have within, so I developed this trend of ‘notebook’ way back. First I was the sole author of my chosen notebook; either very fancy or a simple one punked-up by some hip posters from trendy youth magazines. Then I ‘allowed’ some ‘chosen’ friends to spend time with the notebook; first they would satisfy their thirst for peeking into the privacy of another, which we partially satisfy with facebook right now. Then they would write in their stories. I had these notebooks since early teenage years and when I recently went through them I found some very remarkable pieces by some masterminds. In those teenage years, boys share their passion for sci-fi and philosophy whereas girls are lost in their emotional world trying to find where the rabbit hole goes. Then there was the most special notebooks; the ones I only shared with my Reflection; reaching the peak of refinement in an intimacy between two souls. A level called Vishudda consciousness in yoga, referring to our center of pure and divine expression hardly reached during the daily course of events.

It is time to share the word again.

There is a flow within the Agama community. A jargon full of yogic terminology specific to Agama teachings used in expressing opinion; interactions at some weekly events or our social hotspot, the restaurant on the campus;  experiences, practices where everyone is searching for some clues on how to find peace and harmony in life (even beyond). Then there are the intense retreats for giving a break to the daily requirements and diving even deeper within.

I was just out of the retreat-mood of my puja and Rishikesh experiences, so I decided to dive in again joining the Kashmiri Shaivism retreat. Kashmiri Shaivism is a monistic teaching from as-the-name-goes Kashmir, having lots of commonalities with Sufism and being the core source of inspiration of Agama’s head teacher. Last year Swami offered a 5-day workshop on the theory of these teachings and now we are moving on with an 8-day retreat. An Agama retreat usually lasts for 8 days and covers lots of meditation, some hatha, few discourses with a special focus and offers a space to stay with the self. Full silence (mauna) throughout the retreat is recommended but for this one I decided to be less strict with myself. In my understanding mauna means no writing, no watching, no connection with the outside world. I naturally felt like staying on my own, riding to my home right after the retreat hours are over. It is pathetic really how short the actual duration of silencing of the mind happens during the retreat. On the contrary the mind can be in total frenzy and chatting with itself constantly. Emotions like fear, anxiety, lust, envy, frustration can pop up out of nowhere. If they insist to lurk around, it is highly likely that more is hiding underneath. I didn’t yet reach that state of self-inquiry. Emotions, thoughts come and go gently. I am just concerned about my joy; it seems to have abandoned me these days. I am waiting for its return.

Swami is giving a series of discourses on spiritual tests, which are basically states and acts preventing us from reaching our goals in life. The main trap of a mind under the root chakra vibe is pointless fear. Fear of expressing your thoughts, finding excuses such as age, lacking skills, luck etc. for not accomplishing something. One can even develop phobias if the roots of our being is not harmonious. Last year when I felt all over the place I developed this fear of something happening to my family when I am away. Whenever I thought about them that meaningless fear sneaked in. I started becoming afraid of taking a flight, fearing accidents; many little anxieties I didn’t experience before popped out of nowhere. Slowly with practice they left me. Swami’s way encourages using the will and power of the mind to overcome them. It is obvious that it doesn’t make sense to be afraid, so stop the bullshit. Well, if you are a war photographer and you walk determined into a bombarding without any fear that may indicate a pathology. So there is a limit called common sense. Other typical root chakra-muladhara traps are laziness, inertia and greed. Lack of ability to initiate anything that may create change or keeping oneself busy searching for a false security of life while continuously postponing your heart’s true desire.

The factory of emotions, imagination and impulses; svadistana tests one with confusion. There is the overall lack of clarity of what one needs to be doing in a larger sense. But also the mini moments of confusion about the rightful action. Instead of sitting to meditate after waking up (for others that action may be writing a thesis, report, finishing a composition etc) suddenly being carried away by the urge of cleaning the house, then allowing a long phone talk and all of a sudden many other mini and ‘vital’ actions get on the way and you end up finding yourself getting ready for going to bed without having a single moment of peace and silence for your mind. Svadistana’s best friend is therefore a smart-phone! A typical state accompanying this confusion is to be overwhelmed with hand-made dramas and allowing them to become patterns in life. Other than that there is the overindulgence in comfort, pleasure. Just a memory from long time ago; we were all preparing for the university entrance exam. My friend would take a bowl full of pistachios before starting her study session. She starts with solving the problems while eating the pistachios until she got one which was difficult to peal. And all of a sudden the studying of the test turns into an even more concentrated study and enjoyment of pistachio. Over the years the space of pleasure in one’s life expands and a bowl of nuts is replaced by long party nights, countless hours of bad TV or computer games, shopping; whichever choice of drug. Dissatisfaction of any of these indulgences may lead one to the destructive void of depression as another hotspot of this chakra. And on top of all, the crown of svadistana; the lust! Overindulgence in lust, having the fulfillment of lust as the underlying motive for most of your actions without being even aware of it; being owned by that constant effort of seducing everyone around you through different ways to get what you want. That is the hell of svadistana.

During his latest discourse Swami covered tests of manipura; the navel chakra which is slightly more refined than the other two underneath. When manipura is running well hail to the noble samurai states with courage, willpower, strength, leadership and all. Me like! I was obsessed with all these Japanese martial art movies; especially the parts where the master trains his disciple in most painful ways. I dig the mosquito fascination of Miyagi San in Karate Kid as much as the super-spin in the air of Beatrice Kiddo’s master – whatever his name was- landing on her sword. However when the shit hits the fan at the level of manipura it is not so much fun. There is this insatiable ego and tendency to aggression to deal with. The mind is subconsciously looking for a confrontation using an unnecessary sharpness in speech. The big test of manipura is the fear of transformation. Ironically the fire of manipura is the very source of transformation. When this fire is lit and life as one knows it starts changing then the ego suddenly is challenged because of the lost control. These days that is my challenge exactly. As I am struggling with such challenge around the manipura puja of Gurudji while listening to Swami’s discourse I find myself in most of the examples he gives.

So the everlasting question of the spiritual seeker, is it a synchronicity or apophenia?

Ayurveda in Rishikesh

I just met a very kind and interesting Ayurveda doctor. I was already thinking that I couldn’t miss out on an ayurvedic consultation being the perfect spiritual tourist in Rishikesh. Our paths just crossed naturally and I went for it. According to Ayurveda; the healing sister of Yoga, our bodies are just perfect creations and there is no reason for any disease. However our life styles, thought patterns, past traumas cause some deviations in this perfect machine. Our body and soul is composed of the five elements creating the nature; earth, water, fire, air and ether. Ayurveda defines three main constitutions which are basically these elements combined acting upon us. Vatha constitution derives from air and ether, pitta from fire and kapha from earth and water. If all these elements are in balance we are doing great; whenever one or the other gets out of balance diseases and disharmony manifest. Actually we are all born with an imbalance, call it genetics or karma. Then along the life we develop another imbalance due to external conditions, our life styles and experiences. If a person is kapha dominated they enjoy a solid, strong body, calmness of the mind bordering laziness but suffer from annoying amounts of mucus production. Pitta constitution is typically fiery full of life, focus and willpower bordering aggression; whereas vatha are the airy fairies with lots of movement in the body and the mind.

When I was first introduced to these doshas I was certain with all that mucus production during a cold disproportional to my tiny nose I am of kapha constitution. However this doctor clarified the picture; I am born pitta suffering from kapha detoxification throughout the course of my life. That’s what I needed to purify to reach some balance in my system. When I think back of my childhood it actually made sense. I was different back then; very focused and even more fiery. I clearly remember questioning why grown-ups would walk instead of running; it was so much more fun and reasonable to run! However now I can stay in bed the whole day watching n-number of episodes of bad tv-series.

This medical science of ages value spirituality, metaphysics, emotions and thoughts big time. I cannot really take all comments about me from various experts/healers as facts but they still give me a fresh perspective; a new understanding of my life. I can generate more options about why I chose certain courses of actions, what is really happening in the bigger picture. This Ayurveda doctor provided me with some good insights. He suggested that I lived my life like an eagle in a chicken cage from 6 till 17 years old causing these kapha problems. It would probably make great sense as all my friends knowing that I basically escaped to a university in another city to get out of my cage. May that be my choice to be born into a situation like that as the followers of these though systems believe, I have no idea yet why I made that choice. Dr Ram suggested a special treatment called shirodhara during our next meeting. The treatment aims to balance the two main energy channels along the spine; ida and pingala representing the feminine and masculine aspects of our being. Practically I enjoyed lying on a heated bed after overexposure to the mean cold of Rishikesh for an hour listening to some recordings while the healer was pouring some oil on my forehead. The process took me into such a trance leading me all the way back to my birth when I was bombarded by every single sound in the room. These foreign sounds unlike the ones I was used in the womb of my mother were so frightening causing an immediate contraction in me. Spooky process indeed being born in to this world!

Following the session I got my zillion of ayurvedic pills from the doctor before heading home. Dr. Ram wanted to accompany me saying that he goes to visit his ‘lover’ every night. Apparently he is in love with Ganga! Feeling very comfortable with each other as if we were friends for a long time we walked together down the river. I couldn’t attend to his kind dinner invitation with his family some day that week as I was about to travel away from Rishikesh.

And concluding my first Rishikesh adventure; I finally celebrated the new year of 2013 exactly as I always wanted. Every year I have the same dilemma. Acting cool, self-suggesting that intelligent people don’t give a crap about new year, while questioning this attitude while millions of people obviously are in a celebration mood; wanting to do something special but ending up with nothing special at all! This year I was blessed with a soft transition to a fresh breath with Prem Baba, singing and meditating along with hundreds of people in the sangha (spiritual community). Yessss! Conclusion: New Year celebration matters!

Connecting to Prem Baba

Once getting used to greeting the baba’s situated in various spots around the Ganga with a ‘Hariom’ I decided I am finally settled. Now I have a cozy room with a heater, candles and all, Baba’s I greet, some friends with whom I exchange a few words and some little routines. So I may as well stay here for months. However I could only extend my stay for one more week and even that was difficult. I stressed about the tickets I burn, doubts about my intentions for wishing to stay longer while the whole trip is pre-organized. Do I want to stay with Prem Baba longer, do I want to enjoy this feeling of being settled, am I lured by the muscular arms of a beautiful man or do I just want to enjoy having the possibility and freedom to make this change in plans? Eventually one more week of Rishikesh. (Don’t get too hung up on the muscular arms, the story is not getting erotic; just looking, not touching…)

My affection to Prem Baba continues. The strong effects of the first encounter mellowed down; at some moments I spaced out during his satsang but I don’t bother much about all these shifts. According to him the story is pretty simple and straight forward; ‘connect your heart to my heart’ and I formally connected my heart to his. For the ones who are not familiar with this type of spiritual initiation; it is a ritual where you surrender to a Guru. In Ottoman culture, parents used to give their kids to a master, an artisan to be trained using the expression ‘his flesh is yours and his bones are mine’. In a way you do the same yourself towards your master by taking a deeksha.  I didn’t necessarily have a divine feeling of surrender in me; I just wanted to connect to the amazing heart opening I have experienced through this bond I create with the master. At the final stage of this little ritual the master was about to put a string to my left wrist, which he had blessed. I already had many white strings put by Swami during the monthly final ceremonies we have at the school concluding a cycle of teaching. Before putting the string on, Swami usually checks in with you asking ‘this is for protecting you from obstacles on your path, do you want it?’ Prem Baba, without a moment of hesitation just cut all the strings, put his red string on instead and handed me the old ones to give to Ganga. I loved the clarity in his action. This whole string story is quite interesting; when I first started with Agama years ago I received the white string from Swami after the completion of my level 1 intensive training, which stayed on my wrist for three years. I’d go to posh parties and dinners totally dressed up with a worn out, dirty string on my left wrist. When I was about to head back to the island to receive the teacher training; just one week before my arrival the string got lose by itself. And now again one week before going back to the island I separated from it.

The monkey situation in Rishikesh is pretty intense. They lurk around the bridge connecting both sides of the Ganga and whenever they see any piece of food in a by-passers’ hand or bag they jump on it. A few days ago I saw one by the fountain at the end of the bridge. He approached the fountain, turned the tap on, drank and then turned it back off! I get it, monkeys are smart animals and all but turning the tap off?! My human fellows hardly do it in public bathrooms.  

Of course days do not pass by in a rose garden; I have been through many internal turbulences. I even started to write down ‘reporting from the darkness the sequel’ but I realized that throughout the whole piece I was making fun of my situation rather than expressing my suffering so I decided that my suffering bits were out of order at that moment and turned off my computer.

Let me tell you a bit more about Prem Baba’s satsang that he gave on the occasion of the 21^st of December; the supposed end of the world as we know it according to Mayan calendar. In short he explained that we are moving from the sexual revolution to the phase of spiritual revolution. The sexual revolution starting in the 60’s improved the space of women, this high energy became a bit more free but didn’t yet reach its ultimate target; the heart. So actually that revolution still continues. At that time the spiritual seekers were excited by the sexual revolution and the seekers of the now are thrilled with the current one which will result in ‘law of minimum effort’. According to this law humanity will be able to have better access to using their gifts and talents; progress faster and with more ease. Use of gifts and talents is the dilemma of my life. My job as a trained race horse was to focus on what needs to be done. The gifts and talents that I am born with was more of a secondary issue for a breed like me who has a certain level of intelligence. I call this state ignorance of a bright mind. Therefore throughout my college years I strayed from my career and success-oriented path for impulses towards dancing, climbing mountains or travelling to unknown lands. This episode was followed by a stressful effort to compromise between what is in the heart and what is in the mind. Only when reaching the thirties a middle path starts showing its traces. On this occasion I decided to visit a famous astrologer here to find out more about what lies on my path. As you can read I am a very active, dynamic, enthusiastic spiritual tourist; I put my nose into everything offered. Out of blue this astrologer started telling me that I should dance; that I used to be a mystical dancer in Egypt in my past life and that my painful compromise will reach an end from mid 2013 on. Once I got these good news I immediately rushed to get the yellow sapphire ring he recommended me to wear. Why to resist such a sweet temptation; I am spiritual and have a beautiful ring now to go with it!

Prem Baba dives into many issues; stresses how the internal changes are getting faster and faster in this phase. This intensity also brings along some suffering and the only way to progress is surrendering to this change. He talks about relationships, the fight between the idealist mind and the heart, the inner negotiations we have with ourselves and our insistence to relive certain dramas in our lives again and again. Some of his words find their echo in my mind and I note them down, whereas others lead me to day dreaming.

Today I met my puja friends by the Ganga. Lorraine said that her mother stopped going to the church when she was a child once she found out that the donations collected were spent on buying a new org. She didn’t consider that as a valid way of spending the donations. Now after all those decades she started to go to church again, because only there she could meet people who are kind to each other. We are banging our heads against each other all the time in offices, streets, restaurants, bars… If there is a revolution happening with the 21^st of December impetus then one of its symptoms may be this collective obnoxiousness I am afraid. I hope that we are indeed at a breaking point and I wish lots of light, love, harmony and kindness for us all in 2013.

From Mahamaya to Baba

After the warm embrace of Kamakhya we headed towards Tarapith where we will do the concluding work to fix the energies we have been working with in ourselves (whatever that means?!). Tarapith is the city of Tara; the Goddess of knowledge and compassion among the ten cosmic powers representing different phenomena of the great mother nature. As much as she may represent compassion, there wasn’t really an atmosphere invoking compassion in this town. To begin with, this time the rituals took place in cremation grounds rather than temples. It is quite common in tantric tradition to have spiritual practices in such places which reminds us how thin the line between life and death is and makes us confront our fear of death. There were many weird looking baba’s mostly wearing red, color of Shakti; the feminine energy with huge rasta hairs full of all kinds of beads and appearing half crazy half spooky. In Kamakhya it was common to see baba’s smoking weed in front of the temples as such drugs are also used by some tantrikas. Here alcohol seemed to be the preferred choice of vessel towards communion with divinity! In the midst of all these half-baked people of course one starts questioning again; ‘what the f. am I doing here?!’

Despite all the facade around, it’s obvious that we can transform the space we enter. Our group all in red dhouti’s (a piece of cloth the men wrap around their waists) and saris (that may be more familiar to the reader) somehow created our own sacred temple in a way. Huge yantra drawings Manu prepared were put on the ground and women started decorating these yantras with colored rice. Perfect entertainment for someone like me who is obsessed with bright colors. Gurudji prepared additional yantras on the spot with a mix of colored rice and sand and connected all these yantras to each other with a thread. There were many locals gathering around us wondering what this huge group of foreigners are doing, so he also surrounded our space with rice. As if that border made of rice was an electric fence no one entered our space.

So we started with our practice without even any breakfast until the evening and opened our fast with the food prepared by Gurudji’s guru-sister (means that they shared a guru) Ma. We kept practicing in the same space for two more days from 9 in the morning until 8 in the evening, but somehow it felt like just a couple of hours. After a very strong closure Gurudji gave us the mantras to prepare for the next puja and it was OVER. Some members of the group couldn’t get enough and headed back to Gurudji’s house while others including me were on our way to Rishikesh right that evening.

It still doesn’t feel like it’s over though. According to Gurudji the effects of the puja will last for at least one more month, more purification reactions will come up and then the energy will be fixed. Honestly, I have no clue what the hell happened but I hope eventually we all will process this experience in our own way and see the effects.

Initially I was thinking about a bit of touristy fun heading towards Varanasi or Nepal but Manu told me that most of the puja people would go to Rishikesh to join the satsang[1] of a master called Prem Baba. Why not, let’s see what this famous Prem Baba is about. I heard many times that seekers in Agama who may get tired or challenged of the tough discipline, methodology and other aspects of the teaching end up going to Prem Baba. In Agama there is a methodic approach to tackle problems and blockages in certain levels of consciousness commonly referred to as chakras in order to move them to higher, more refined levels. By moving the energy up you don’t necessarily resolve your problem but you gain a new perspective by stepping out of the state of mind/emotions which created that problem. This way you generate the capacity to evolve in a way. This is a very valuable technology. Some however were looking for another approach and their paths crossed at Prem Baba’s sangha[2]. I heard about him from people whom I resonated with in Agama, but all I really knew was that he is Brazilian and focuses on working with the heart. I am not really a seeker for a Guru; I had many amazingly valuable teachers in life and I continue meeting new ones. I also experienced moments of surrender but I never had the need to look for a master ‘under whose wings I would hide and who would free me from my suffering’.  I mostly followed the flow of encounters. And that’s how I reached this day, the day I met Prem Baba.

                      

After a looooooong but relatively comfortable train ride I was exhausted of carrying my by now 30 kg bag pack, so I just settled for the first semi-decent hostel room that we could find. It is so cheap here that Joceline and I decided to go wild and stay in single rooms for the first time during this trip. The bathroom is common but clean. There are for sure many other options in Rishikesh but we are just weary of moving from one place to another. Besides, in Tarapith we enjoyed a super luxurious hotel room for a ridiculous price, satiated with comfort. At least we are in a very central location, in a cozy setting and very close to the ashram hosting Prem Baba’s satsang.

Without even having a look around Rishikesh I just jumped into my sleeping bag for a chill night and a sleep full of vivid dreams; waking up in a rather grumpy mood. Before I could stop nagging about the bathroom and all, we found ourselves in the hall already. I looked around and immediately got irritated by the neo-hippy characters around in flowery-powery cloths, shawls, long, bushy hairs, a fixed slimy smile on their faces; all the works. While they kept hugging each other I was already questioning why I decided to come here to begin with. However I should put a note here; one shouldn’t assume that only patchouli smelling rainbow community is ruling this particular spiritual realm; there are many strikingly attractive, sparkling people in the hall. I guess there are around 200 people including a part of our puja group. I also have to admit, the hall was super-clean and beautifully arranged. Not to mention your typical free-spirited kids running around. So the atmosphere is full on spiritual in a new-age western style. Then started the bhajan. Not the type of bhajan where some wanna-be-musicians play around with a guitar and a harmonium; a musical feast performed by competent artists. Some join in, most not but no one loses himself and overpowers the beautiful vocals. Well, when the setting is like that what else are you gonna do; I allowed myself to sink into an inner stillness beyond all the doubt and sceptism; just enjoyed the magical music. All of a sudden the group rose up to their feet and Prem Baba entered the hall. A weight was lifted off from my chest and some tears dropped before I knew what was happening. I thought I just got emotional after the long trip, the bhajan but I admitted to myself that I never saw a smile so mesmerizing.

Satsang was in Portuguese although Prem Baba speaks English, but I guess the largely Brazilian crowd is one of the reasons for that. There is consecutive translation, which complicated the process a little. What to do. Prem Baba has a background in psychology; therefore he makes many references to this western science in his teachings and highlights the importance of the transformation of our relation towards our parents as our first heroes and villains in life. Some of my friends mentioned a retreat he offers focusing on this work. I thought about our long talks with my dear friend Vivian. We went very deep into the patterns in our life defined through our relation with our parents and Vivian has been a true mentor to me in that direction. Afterwards I went even deeper and pushed my own buttons big time dwelling upon the existentialist theories of Irvin Yalom and the like. I obsessed about this confrontation with family so much that my mother-issues appeared as the reasons behind many chronic health issues. Thanks to my dear teacher Laura I came to realize that going so deep and trying to confront all the darkness within are just suffocating and one has to go step by step; treat herself gently. In short, some of what Prem Baba was saying at his satsang was familiar to me.

He briefly talked about how we will have to suffer through several confrontations until we finally manage to bow down in front of our parents and be truly grateful for bringing us into this world and showing us many mirrors along the way. He stressed the importance of witnessing all kinds of bitter-sweet emotions without judging, reacting to or identifying with. While valuing the feeling of regret as a sacred teacher for ourselves he invited us to refrain from self-blame which carries a huge portion of hatred. It is worthwhile to contemplate on this distinction.  Another important distinction Baba referred to is the difference between understanding and comprehension on a spiritual path. I can relate to that very well right now as I have no clue what Gurudji was doing; there is no way for me to understand it with my logical mind at this moment but I may be able to comprehend the intense universal energy called Shakti.

Following some discourses on these topics and more the satsang was concluded with another round of Bhajan after two hours. Prem Baba announced that he would accept the first comers and the ones who are leaving that day. I observed how many people started queuing up next to his seat. Despite all my scepticism towards these kind of salutations I also joined the que just to feel his energy up-close. I know from my experience in Agama that if you go close to very strong meditators it may feel like entering a magnetic field. While standing in the que I kept on observing what was happening. When their turn was on people one by one kneeled down in front of him giving a namaste and bowed down to his feet; some gave him flowers, others some cards or envelops. Too much for my standards; so what am I going to do?! Some kids were giving him their drawings and what I noticed was that he was looking at every offering with great attention, not just putting them aside. To some he said a few words to others gave just a greeting with a big warm smile on his face. Then it was my turn. The lights of my mind suddenly went off. I found myself in a moment of fullness where there is no space for any observation, doubt or intention. My heart felt three times bigger suddenly and wanted to come out of my chest so I had to put my hands there to keep it in; not because that is the way to greet! Feeling seen by him, warm by his smile; an ultimate acceptance and peace. I was struck so hard that a big knot from my heart dissolved. Then and there I accepted. Maybe it is not about choosing a guru or a path; rather having a divine inspiration to move on. That is more than enough.

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[1] Literally meaning being in the company of the wise, satsang is a discourse by a Guru

[2] Spiritual community