Life in the Agama Bubble

Recently caught my ego requesting that ‘I should write something worthy to be read’, so I decided to take a break. I always had this graphomania; this urge to tickle the curiosity to read/write something private that many of us have within, so I developed this trend of ‘notebook’ way back. First I was the sole author of my chosen notebook; either very fancy or a simple one punked-up by some hip posters from trendy youth magazines. Then I ‘allowed’ some ‘chosen’ friends to spend time with the notebook; first they would satisfy their thirst for peeking into the privacy of another, which we partially satisfy with facebook right now. Then they would write in their stories. I had these notebooks since early teenage years and when I recently went through them I found some very remarkable pieces by some masterminds. In those teenage years, boys share their passion for sci-fi and philosophy whereas girls are lost in their emotional world trying to find where the rabbit hole goes. Then there was the most special notebooks; the ones I only shared with my Reflection; reaching the peak of refinement in an intimacy between two souls. A level called Vishudda consciousness in yoga, referring to our center of pure and divine expression hardly reached during the daily course of events.

It is time to share the word again.

There is a flow within the Agama community. A jargon full of yogic terminology specific to Agama teachings used in expressing opinion; interactions at some weekly events or our social hotspot, the restaurant on the campus;  experiences, practices where everyone is searching for some clues on how to find peace and harmony in life (even beyond). Then there are the intense retreats for giving a break to the daily requirements and diving even deeper within.

I was just out of the retreat-mood of my puja and Rishikesh experiences, so I decided to dive in again joining the Kashmiri Shaivism retreat. Kashmiri Shaivism is a monistic teaching from as-the-name-goes Kashmir, having lots of commonalities with Sufism and being the core source of inspiration of Agama’s head teacher. Last year Swami offered a 5-day workshop on the theory of these teachings and now we are moving on with an 8-day retreat. An Agama retreat usually lasts for 8 days and covers lots of meditation, some hatha, few discourses with a special focus and offers a space to stay with the self. Full silence (mauna) throughout the retreat is recommended but for this one I decided to be less strict with myself. In my understanding mauna means no writing, no watching, no connection with the outside world. I naturally felt like staying on my own, riding to my home right after the retreat hours are over. It is pathetic really how short the actual duration of silencing of the mind happens during the retreat. On the contrary the mind can be in total frenzy and chatting with itself constantly. Emotions like fear, anxiety, lust, envy, frustration can pop up out of nowhere. If they insist to lurk around, it is highly likely that more is hiding underneath. I didn’t yet reach that state of self-inquiry. Emotions, thoughts come and go gently. I am just concerned about my joy; it seems to have abandoned me these days. I am waiting for its return.

Swami is giving a series of discourses on spiritual tests, which are basically states and acts preventing us from reaching our goals in life. The main trap of a mind under the root chakra vibe is pointless fear. Fear of expressing your thoughts, finding excuses such as age, lacking skills, luck etc. for not accomplishing something. One can even develop phobias if the roots of our being is not harmonious. Last year when I felt all over the place I developed this fear of something happening to my family when I am away. Whenever I thought about them that meaningless fear sneaked in. I started becoming afraid of taking a flight, fearing accidents; many little anxieties I didn’t experience before popped out of nowhere. Slowly with practice they left me. Swami’s way encourages using the will and power of the mind to overcome them. It is obvious that it doesn’t make sense to be afraid, so stop the bullshit. Well, if you are a war photographer and you walk determined into a bombarding without any fear that may indicate a pathology. So there is a limit called common sense. Other typical root chakra-muladhara traps are laziness, inertia and greed. Lack of ability to initiate anything that may create change or keeping oneself busy searching for a false security of life while continuously postponing your heart’s true desire.

The factory of emotions, imagination and impulses; svadistana tests one with confusion. There is the overall lack of clarity of what one needs to be doing in a larger sense. But also the mini moments of confusion about the rightful action. Instead of sitting to meditate after waking up (for others that action may be writing a thesis, report, finishing a composition etc) suddenly being carried away by the urge of cleaning the house, then allowing a long phone talk and all of a sudden many other mini and ‘vital’ actions get on the way and you end up finding yourself getting ready for going to bed without having a single moment of peace and silence for your mind. Svadistana’s best friend is therefore a smart-phone! A typical state accompanying this confusion is to be overwhelmed with hand-made dramas and allowing them to become patterns in life. Other than that there is the overindulgence in comfort, pleasure. Just a memory from long time ago; we were all preparing for the university entrance exam. My friend would take a bowl full of pistachios before starting her study session. She starts with solving the problems while eating the pistachios until she got one which was difficult to peal. And all of a sudden the studying of the test turns into an even more concentrated study and enjoyment of pistachio. Over the years the space of pleasure in one’s life expands and a bowl of nuts is replaced by long party nights, countless hours of bad TV or computer games, shopping; whichever choice of drug. Dissatisfaction of any of these indulgences may lead one to the destructive void of depression as another hotspot of this chakra. And on top of all, the crown of svadistana; the lust! Overindulgence in lust, having the fulfillment of lust as the underlying motive for most of your actions without being even aware of it; being owned by that constant effort of seducing everyone around you through different ways to get what you want. That is the hell of svadistana.

During his latest discourse Swami covered tests of manipura; the navel chakra which is slightly more refined than the other two underneath. When manipura is running well hail to the noble samurai states with courage, willpower, strength, leadership and all. Me like! I was obsessed with all these Japanese martial art movies; especially the parts where the master trains his disciple in most painful ways. I dig the mosquito fascination of Miyagi San in Karate Kid as much as the super-spin in the air of Beatrice Kiddo’s master – whatever his name was- landing on her sword. However when the shit hits the fan at the level of manipura it is not so much fun. There is this insatiable ego and tendency to aggression to deal with. The mind is subconsciously looking for a confrontation using an unnecessary sharpness in speech. The big test of manipura is the fear of transformation. Ironically the fire of manipura is the very source of transformation. When this fire is lit and life as one knows it starts changing then the ego suddenly is challenged because of the lost control. These days that is my challenge exactly. As I am struggling with such challenge around the manipura puja of Gurudji while listening to Swami’s discourse I find myself in most of the examples he gives.

So the everlasting question of the spiritual seeker, is it a synchronicity or apophenia?